Internet,
There is something so quaintly small-town about police blotters. Sometimes they're dull as dirt, but sometimes they can provide a girl with several minutes of entertainment. Take, for instance, one that I recently found from Montana - the Flatwood Beacon blotter. They use terms like "getting sassy" and "grayish orange" and such, and automatically jump to conclusions like "the neighbor kids were playing with 'dynamite'" when they hear noises, and liberally apply quotation marks, and whatever the issue, people call in "to talk about it." Hilarious, I tells ya. The best part is that they name the daily blotter with the "criminal" headline of the day: pure gold. There are oft-repeated themes throughout the blotter, the most common of which apparently include the following:
Intoxication
Animals (wild AND domesticated)
Marital Bliss/Domestics
Hunger (especially when applied to animals, see above)
Pyrotechnics/Dynamite/Arsenals
Crazy People/Hallucinations
Homespun Resolutions to these "Problems"
I am also amazed at how often these stories are really like soap operas - if you read through enough of them, you can follow entire story lines from start to finish. For example, at 11 a.m. on October 18, "A Hungry Horse resident found a bullet hole in one of their windows. The caller has a suspect in mind." Then later at 8:33 p.m., "The Hungry Horse resident who called earlier about the bullet hole called back, this time intoxicated." I believe if we wait long enough, we'll find out more about this unfolding drama in next week's episode.
Anyway, I have culled through about a week's worth of blotter to find the gems below, and have included my very own commentary for your convenience, Internet.
_____
8:36 a.m. Someone driving down U.S. Highway 93 North reported that a bearded man was walking down the "suicide lane" trying to hitch a ride.
1:08 p.m. A Columbia Falls man claimed that a dirty-mouthed hunter in camouflage was in his neighborhood aiming his bow at homes. The reporting party was arrested for outstanding warrants and later admitted that the bowhunter was probably a "hallucination." ['Cause any story like this will really help to clean up the stereotype of Montanans we all have in our minds.]
2:08 p.m. A man on Ezy [I wouldn't have expected Montanans to be the type of people to modernize the spelling of "easy"] Drive called in to complain about a rabbit infestation. He said that the neighbors have between 30 and 40 uncontained rabbits and admitted to using them as target practice. [Seems as if he already has the problem under control. But then again, it sounds like he had previously reported the situation of
"perpetually multiplying rabbits" the week before, and just decided it was faster to take the matter into his own hands...and the week before that the guy who owned the rabbits seems to have called in, and now the whole thing has taken on a Hatfield-McCoy-like feel.]
'Twas a hopping one o'clock hour:
1:26 p.m. Someone in Hungry Horse wanted to talk about their granddaughter's bad habits. [Criminal habits? Tough love, Granny, tough love.]
1:40 p.m. Reportedly, a woman renting property on Twin Lakes Road pulled the landowner's property stakes out of the ground and made her own creative property line. [Give it another 10-20 years depending on state law, and you've got a decent case for adverse possession, I suppose.]
1:53 p.m. A woman on Mission Trail heard cows "crying" and coyotes howling. She felt unnerved by what she heard and hoped a deputy might check it out. [I assume the deputy's response was along the lines of, "Um, yeah, lady - it's called the circle of life."]
3:01 p.m. There was an incident in Evergreen involving a woman with "wild hair" and Bud Light pants. [What the heck are "Bud Light pants"?]
6:22 p.m. A woman on Eagle Drive threatened to shoot the neighbor's barking dog. She was advised to not shoot the dog. She responded that she would call 911 every time it barked. She was told not to do that either. [Love this.]
9:48 a.m. Apparently, one battery was lying on the highway near Lakeside. [While littering is bad, people, really? I wonder what size it was...AAA? D? Car battery? I need more information, Flathead County Sheriff and/or Kalispell Police.]
2:10 a.m. Someone called in to talk about a "very small, tiny pony" that hangs its head down like it doesn't feel very good.
6:03 p.m. A Kalispell man complained that his mom was trying to steal his truck. [I wonder if the mother was intoxicated? See next entry.]
7:49 p.m. An intoxicated Kalispell woman called in hoping that a deputy would arrest her husband because he refused to allow her to drive. She later admitted to feeling "stupid" for calling. [Again, could this be the same woman as the 6:03 p.m. incident, or do they just have a lot of family driving issues?]
9:29 p.m. Happy horses ran free on Middle View Trail. They were collected and taken home. [Now we know why there was a sad pony - he wasn't allowed to go out and play with all of his friends.]
7:29 p.m. Reportedly, someone was swerving and driving down Birch Grove Road without their [sic] headlights on. The owner of the vehicle explained to a deputy that he was unfamiliar with the operation of such things. [The owner? I suppose that could happen when you rent or borrow a car with which you're unfamiliar, but owner? I certainly hope it was a new car.]
_____
Internet, I will most definitely be bookmarking this site so that I can keep up with the goings-on over in Flathead County. It's simply too entertaining...
xoxo,
Minny LinnEy